Pavane Pour Une Infante Défunte
by Royalty Over Reality
Summary: "I've been trying so hard, but I don't know if I'm ever going to get there. Even if I do everything right, it won't change what I used to be." An exploration of both Utena and Anthy's internal monologues, set between the events of episode 33 and episode 34. This is my first story for the Utena fandom, so I hope you like it!


Someone was in the music rooms, playing the piano tonight. If it hadn't been the middle of the night, that wouldn't have been strange to me. Miki always seemed to be in there, but I'm not sure if I've ever heard him play anything besides _The Sunlit Garden_. Then again, it's not as though I spend very much time around the music rooms. So, how would I know?

Maybe that's why I was there, because it's not somewhere I usually go. I mean, normally I don't out for long walks at night. I like living with Akio-san and Himemiya. Akio-san's so smart, and I love talking to Himemiya right before bed. Actually, I've never met anyone who I could really talk to the way that I can with her.

I guess that's not fair to Wakaba, since she's always been so nice to me, but there's just something about her that makes me feel I can't really open up to her like that. I know that probably sounds cruel, and I know that Wakaba would try to be understanding if I ever came to her with something. I just worry that she wouldn't understand. Her life is so normal, and mine just isn't.

I don't know, sometimes it seems like nobody has a normal life here at Ohtori Academy. It's the sort of place where people play piano past midnight, after all. Whoever it was playing was really good. There were playing a song that I had heard before, but I can't remember what it was called. I'm not sure if that's just because I have a hard time remembering the names of classical music pieces, or if it was because of the way that the person was playing it.

There was something odd about it. That's not to say that it was bad. I just felt like it sounded different than any other time that I had ever heard that song before. It would go fast and then slow, quiet and then loud. They were experimenting tempo and dynamics, that's what Miki would have said. It all just seemed to change so suddenly, but every note had so much feeling in it. Sad, but also beautiful. Just like the song was meant to be.

I'm pretty sure that whoever it was behind that door was playing all the notes right. But they were playing it their way, instead of what had been written down on the sheet music. But who knew if they even had any sheet music? They could have been playing it from memory. They might have been playing it exactly the way that they were supposed to as well. I hadn't heard the song in a long time. It didn't really matter to me though. I liked the way it sounded, no matter what. So, I sat down with my back against the wall and I just listened.

It was a relief to rest my legs. After all the dueling I had been doing for…I can't remember how long. I don't think that I've fought many more than ten or fifteen duels, but it feels like I've been fighting for as long as I can remember. I don't know, maybe I have. Not with a sword, of course. But ever since that day, when I first met the prince, I feel I've been fighting so hard against the whole entire world. That probably sounds silly, doesn't it? But sometimes I can't help but think about this sort of thing.

Is that all it really is, being a prince? Just one long battle against everything and everyone around you? Screaming "yes" at the top of your lungs at a world that keeps telling you "no?" That doesn't feel right. Maybe it's "no" that I've been saying for so long. No to the dresses, and no to the dances, and no to everyone that ever tried to get me to try them in the first place.

What did I get out of that? A place in the dueling games? "The Rose Bride?" I don't any of that. I don't want to have any sort of control over Himemiya. Not the way the others do. I just want to her to be free, to just be a normal girl. And I want the dueling games to end.

Is that what it means to be a prince? Do you have to save everyone from everything? Can any one person even hope to destroy all of the things that could possibly hurt someone else?

The longer I keep fighting, the harder it all starts to sound. If I destroy everything that could ever be bad, what's going to be left? I don't want to save a world nothing left in it.

But that doesn't matter. I'm not becoming a prince so I can be rich or have a lot of stuff. Just getting there, and finally being what I've been trying to be for most of my life, that's going to be enough for me. That's going to make me happy. At least, I hope that's true. Sometimes, I really don't know. Winning duel after duel, protecting Himemiya from all of all those people who would've hurt her or treated her badly if they would've won, that must have meant something. Right?

It doesn't feel that way, though. I'm still the same old Utena that I've always been. Maybe that means I've been a prince deep down, all along. I want to say that's it, but it doesn't feel true. At the end of the day, I still feel like that scared, sad little girl who would have rather curled up in a coffin and died than go on living.

Maybe that's why I went out for a walk in the first place. I had thought that maybe, if I got some exercise, I might feel free. I would feel like I had finally gotten away from all of those hopeless thought that always seem to come to me when I'm alone.

No, that couldn't have been it. I would have had to be alone in order to feel that way. And with Himemiya and Akio-san around, I'm never alone anymore. But somehow, there's times when I still feel lonely. I don't like feeling that way, since they're both always so polite, but I can't change the way feel about it.

The two of them are so close, and that usually makes me feel so happy. But sometimes it just makes me think of the family that I'm never going to have. They've both done their best to welcome me into their family, especially Akio-san. But I'm starting to worry that no matter how kind or open they are, I'm never going feel like I really belong.

They're just so close. They have this connection between the two of them that I just can't break through. And I know that I shouldn't want to break it, that I shouldn't do any to push them apart just so that I could feel like I have somewhere that I finally fit in. I don't want to be selfish like that. But I've only ever had myself to live for. And I don't want to be alone anymore.

* * *

It was time to stop playing the piano. I opened the door and stepped out into the hallway. Utena rose to her feet and took a few nervous steps back. She was probably hoping that would make it seem like she had just been going for a walk without stopping to sit down. She must have thought it was inconsiderate to listen in on someone playing the piano from behind a closed door. Yet, she'd done it anyway. Unfortunately for her, Utena's plan backfired as the clatter of stumbling footsteps echoed down the empty hallway.

"Utena-sama?" I called.

When Utena heard my voice, she froze like a mouse that had just been hit by a chilling wave of air from an owl's wingbeats.

"Himemiya, what are you doing out so late? I was just walking by and I heard somebody playing the piano, but I wasn't trying to listen to you play or anything like that," Utena said.

Her hand was on the back her head and her elbow was jutting out at a dramatic angle. I wondered if she was aware that she did that whenever she felt uncomfortable.

"That was me. I didn't worry you, by staying out so late at night, did I?" I asked.

"No, no," Utena said. "I was actually out pretty late myself, so I didn't notice you were gone."

I stood still in the doorway to the music room, with moonlight streaming out from behind me. I was thankful that my face was cloaked in shadow, because I didn't want Utena making out the finer details of my vacant expression. While she typically seemed oblivious enough, there were moments when I thought that maybe she could detect the bitterness that lurked in the corners of my mouth.

"Not as though I wouldn't have noticed if I was back at the Chairman's tower with…" Utena trailed off.

I said nothing. I didn't even move. I still had to make Utena feel like she was pouring paint onto an empty canvas, even after all of this time, when I'd already let her project so many different things onto me.

"I hope Akio-san's not worried about you, out so late on a Friday night. I'm sure if I was him I'd be worried that you were out getting into trouble of some sort. He's so protective like that, you know?" Utena said.

Protective is not the word I would have used. Possessive, maybe. But there was something painful about how much Utena still trusted him, even after what I knew he had already done to her. Whether I was hurting on her behalf or my own was difficult to distinguish.

"Perhaps we should be getting back to our room now," I said.

I started walking. Utena hesitated for a moment or two before following me down the darkened hallway.

Once Utena had caught up to me, we walked side by side in silence down the statue lined paths of the campus. It was only once the two of us had reached the labyrinthian poppy gardens that Utena realized I had been taking her down a long, meandering route that wasn't going to get us back to the Chairman's tower any time soon.

"Hey, Himemiya," Utena said.

"What is it?" I asked.

"I don't think that this is the right way back to our room."

"We'll end up back there eventually. There's no need to worry."

"Yeah, your brother wouldn't let us get lost."

I didn't respond. I was grateful when Utena let us fall back into the silence of the star soaked night as we moved deeper into the maze of flowers.

"Have I ever told you about my prince before?" Utena asked.

She was looking up into the sky, not me.

"Yes, Utena-sama," I said.

If Utena had been looking my way, she would have been able to see the bemused smile on my face. I should have probably been relieved that she hadn't. Still, a part of me wished that she'd seen it.

"What do you think it means?" Utena asked.

"I think it means you're missing something, or maybe someone. There's a piece of yourself, or something that happened to you, that you somehow lost over time. Whatever it is, you can't remember," I said. "Sometimes I feel the same way."

Utena stopped walking and looked at me like I was a particularly difficult math problem.

"I'm sorry, I must have assumed you were talking about something else," I said.

"No, it's not that," Utena said. "I just guess that I was looking for more of a straight answer."

"Why don't we sit down, then?" I offered.

"Here? In the middle of the night?" Utena asked. "Are you sure?"

I answered her question by sitting down with my knees folded together underneath me. I smiled up at Utena with the most expectant look in eyes that I possibly could manage. I wanted to keep her away from my brother for just a moment longer. I was well aware that someday soon he was going to show her exactly what her prince was supposed to mean to her. But just for tonight, I wanted us to have a conversation that wasn't under his roof, where I didn't have to worry about him hearing the sound of our hushed voices through the walls. Was it still wrong to feign innocence if you were doing it to preserve the innocence of someone else?

Utena didn't want to be rude, and she was still tired. So, she fell back onto the grass and knotted her fingers together behind her head.

"So, what is it that you were asking me about, Utena-Sama?" I asked.

"I've just been trying to figure out what it means to be a prince," she said with a sigh. "I've been trying so hard, but I don't know if I'm ever going to get there. Even if I do everything right, it won't change what I used to be. What I am right now. How are you even supposed to become a prince anyway?"

"I think most princes are born that way," I said. "But sometimes a totally normal boy can become one by marrying a princess."

It was the straight answer that she had asked for, but I was almost certain that she wouldn't be satisfied with it.

"But I'm not a boy, I'm a totally normal girl!" Utena straightened out her arms and pushed herself into a sitting up position.

In that moment, I couldn't help but wonder if it really was a possibility. By definition, it shouldn't have been. A girl prince was just a silly notion, the kind of thing of thing that was too outlandish to even show up in a children's storybook. Still, she had won every duel so far, except for one. She didn't fight like the other duelists did either. She fought like Dios, my prince.

"Maybe you should just keep trying," I said. "And then one day, other people will decide to act like you're a prince in spite of that."

Was that really the best that Utena could get? And if it was, would she really even want it? Would she be better off if she just went back to being a regular girl? I couldn't keep these questions out of my mind and, based off of the way that she was looking up into the stars, neither could Utena.

"I'm sorry, did I say the wrong thing?" I asked.

"No, you didn't say anything wrong at all. I like having these conversations with you," Utena said.

It took me longer than I would have liked to work up the courage to speak. "I like them too, Utena-sama."

"Himemiya, what was the name of that song you were playing earlier?"


End file.
